MISSING / REWARD

Description: Woman's "Ample" Bosom.

Also known as: "The Girls" and/or "Thelma & Louise".
Last seen: 3-year time period prior to Ladies' Fitness Boot Camp.

Chest holds tremendous sentimental value to Owner.
Hubby offering cash reward if found and returned.

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I must accept that bodily changes do not occur instantly or even overnight, for that matter.

But this fact would certainly be a whole lot easier to fathom IF my bust and hips were "deflating" at the SAME rate.

Proportion, people!

That's ALL I'm asking for in this oh-so-S-L-O-W weight loss process.

Well, OK...maybe that, and the ability to select the specific area and precise amount of weight loss, too. But that would be greedy.

Regardless of the length of time it takes for my body to alter its present form, I do have one reason to offer genuine thanks and praise... At least with Boot Camp, I haven't relived the same horror I experienced during my first month of lap swimming.

I'm grateful that the "top", while it may be shrinking faster than the "bottom", is at least shrinking symmetrically. (A word of advice for the novice female swimmer: Learn to breathe on both the right and left side to even your "floaties".)

Admittedly, the dramatic change in cup size has been my cause for concern for the last 3 years. It's been (just a little bit) distressing to see "letters", which on a Report Card might otherwise indicate substantial improvement in study habits, mark the disappearance of friends I once flaunted.

Although the BandGirl has assured me that I'm not (yet) in danger of requiring my old training bra (which is good because I actually skipped that stage in life), the possibility of "artificial enhancement" has crossed my mind occasionally... (But that thought is typically only set in motion when given a shove by someone or something else.)

Two weeks ago, on our drive to California, I spotted a billboard along the I-10 Freeway. The sign was for the Desert Plastic Surgery Center in Palm Desert where Dr. Marcinkus advertised that he can help you "Look Your Best" with Breast Augmentation for "$3500 OR just $50 a month".

Now, I'm a "numbers" girl, so it took about 1.5 seconds for me to whip out the mental calculator (and the cell phone for precision) to calculate that at $50 a month (only 70 monthly payments) the good doctor was offering the "Chest of Your Dreams" in just 6 short years.

If I'm not mistaken, there are car loans shorter than that.

The advertisement immediately became the lighthearted topic of conversation between the Hubby and I. (Because when we're together, even the most serious topics - like surgical procedures - are subjected to our immature, twisted sense of humor.)

We were in the process of determining the ludicrous "potential" terms of the payment plan offered, and then we arrived at the absurd possibility that with each $50 payment the doctor might inflate JUST ONE SIDE of your chest.

With impeccable timing, my friend the PornStar randomly called my cell phone and managed to briefly join our "deep" discussion about boob jobs. Equally sharing my concern for "proportion", he made a fantastic suggestion. (One that I'm sure he'll help me remember...always. And if he doesn't, WallStreet most certainly will.)

Based on my experience at the beginning stages of lap swimming (which I shared with all my friends, men and women alike), I'd have to a say that the PornStar is right. It would be worth coughing up a little extra cash to make two payments (paying $100 a month) so that both sides are equally inflated each time. As the PornStar said, this reduces the risk of a "noticeable imbalance" and alleviates the possibility that one side might accidentally get an extra "pump" somewhere along the way.

But, since surgery honestly isn't in my plan any time soon, if ever at all, I'll just stick with the padded bra (my first - EVER) for now.

I can already imagine the echoes of roaring laughter I'll hear when my "nearest and dearest" girl friends (specifically: the BandGirl, the MonkeyWhisperer, the HeadShrinker, the Roomie and Gadget Girl) get an email from me at the end of my weight loss journey titled:

"ARE YOU ALL HAPPY NOW?!?".

Sadly, that day is coming...

(After all, I'm wearing the padded bra again today.)